This week’s Dear Codec Moments guest agony uncle is everyone’s favourite angry Greek, Kratos the God of War. We would have asked him to answer more but he got tetchy after his third coffee and started rambling about injustice of the Gods, so we asked him (very politely) to leave.
Dear Codec Moments, how can I get this girl at work to like me? I’m the shy type really and struggle to talk to women who aren’t my mum.
John, have you tried facing certain defeat at the hands of a Barbarian horde, only to cry out to the God of War to save you in your darkest hour? This is how I got the Blades of Chaos, decapitated their leader, and became the greatest warrior Sparta has ever known. To be honest, that did lead to nothing but despair and damnation, involving me slaying countless foes, many Gods, and having to escape from the underworld (twice). But I have learnt that the ladies love a troubled man with blades chained to his wrists, ash coated skin, and a body covered in scars. And they are very appreciative in pairs, threes and roomfuls.
Dear Codec Moments, the cat takes up all the bed, what should I do?
When I had to deal with the three-headed Cerberus I found the most effective tactic was to sever the heads with my blades. Most animals can be taught respect in the same way. Do this and there will be more room in your bed for pressing square, triangle, half circle anti-clockwise (twice), full circle anti-clockwise, rotate clockwise rapidly, waggle left and right, and finish with triangle. That always gets my red orbs flowing.
Dear Codec Moments, I’ve recently got divorced from my wife and I’m finding it difficult to cope with day to day life. I’m lost and alone without her. I know you had some experience with familial separation, how did you manage to keep going with that empty, hollow feeling?
For ten years I faithfully served the Gods so that they might leave me of the tortured dreams for the family I was tricked into slaying so that I might become the perfect warrior in my service of Ares. I killed Ares, my creator and master, but this did not bring relief; I destroyed Titans, and that did not improve my mood; I eviscerated thousands of creatures intent on delivering my head to Zeus, and that did not work either. I even tried playing Brutal Legend, but was gravely disappointed when it became an RTS game. The only time my head cleared and my thoughts became my own were those moments in the company of two topless handmaidens and someone off camera frantically pounding buttons and circling their sticks. Try that.
Next weeks guest agony aunt is taking time out of her busy
torturing testing schedule to answer your burning questions about rats in mazes and how AI’s keep trim. It’s the one and only GLaDOS! If you’ve got any questions just tweet them to @CodecMoments, remembering to include #DearCOMO, or use the below form.