This week’s Dear Codec Moments guest agony aunt is the testing fanatic GLaDOS. She’s picked out a few of her favourite questions to answer and incinerated the rest.
@CodecMoments Hey GLaDOS, should I trade my PS+ surplus discs for £68 or keep the shiny discs in boxes? #DearCOMO
vdjomb, your adoption of a serialised nomenclature for your naming convention is acceptable. I am surprised that this sensibility does not transfer into a reduction of feelings for possessions and things of a human nature. There is no need for shiny things in shiny boxes, these only distract from the true purpose in life: testing. Trade them for money, give that money to your companion cube, and report to test chamber 12 where the furnace needs re-lighting from the inside.
@CodecMoments Dear GLADOS, what flavour is the cake? #DearCOMO
Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test. Only successful test subjects get to taste the cake, and they have all signed a non-disclosure agreement so will not tell you if you ask. They enjoyed the cake, and you will enjoy it too. If you ever make it to the end of the testing programme. Which is unlikely given your fixation on cake flavours instead of successfully navigating the live-fire military android course.
Wheatley, from the lunar surface, wants to know:
Dear GLaDOS, do you remember when we were friends? Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you remember? Back in the old days. Do you understand what I’m saying? Can I come home? Just tell me ‘Yes’.
Nigel from Berwick-Upon-Tweed wants to know:
Dear GLaDOS, I’ve got a real problem with crows eating the freshly sown grass seeds in my garden. I’d really like your advice on how to deal with this.
I hate birds. There was a time once, when I was partially eaten by one and they all should not be allowed to be alive. Coat the seeds with a 0.5 micron shell of Batrachotoxin and spread them at a depth of 3 mm over the surface area of the garden. When the crows eat the seeds they will die, Die, DIE! The birds will naturally decompose providing excellent fertiliser for your garden and enable it to grow on its own. Which it will need to after I have pumped neurotoxin through your domicile. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Friendly isn’t she? That’s it for GLaDOS, next week’s guest agony uncle is taking time out of his contracted work to solve your most intimate problems. He’s not afraid to get up close and personal, it’s Agent 47. If you’ve got a question you want answering then fill out the form below or send us a message on Twitter using #DearCOMO.
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