This week’s guest agony uncle has taken a break from his usual contract work to provide some advice to those in need. It’s Agent 47, from the Hitman series.
Dear Codec Moments, I feel I am being forced out of the warehouse where I have worked for several years because my manager sees me as a threat after I have been on some courses to develop my skills, they are making my life really difficult. They keep changing my shift patterns, meaning I never get a proper night sleep and picking up my kid and helping my wife around the house is impossible! When I complained about the inconvenience this was causing I was told I’m not a team player, what can I do?! If I left, could I sue for constructive dismissal?
Perhaps you should invest the money you would spend on a lawyer, in somebody with an alternative specialism? I’m going to assume that if you worked shifts you may have had a uniform, perhaps some of your colleagues were bald and/or regularly wore hats? If so, someone with the right instinct could easily slip into the workplace undetected. Warehouses are dangerous places so a convenient industrial accident would not only solve your problem with unpredictable shift patterns, but open up a management level position for you too.
Dear Codec Moments, I need to change my job as I’m not enjoying it as much as I used to. My brother keeps forcing me to work on coding and programming new technologies to make him rich, but I don’t get any recognition for my efforts. While he gets to cavort in his penthouse with sexy ladies, I’m locked in a basement in front of a computer waiting for the daily pizza and potato chips delivery the security guards bring me. I don’t think the world even knows I exist. I need to take control of my life, what can I do?
It sounds to me, Brat, like you’re in a very precarious position and you may need some specialised help to remove you from the situation. Do you know where you are in Kuala Lumpur, how many security guards there are, where the security cameras are located, what’s the name of the pizza delivery company and how security are likely to react if a smoke bomb goes off in a ventilation shaft (would they allow someone posing as a fireman to carry a fireaxe through)? These are all useful pieces of information that will help me work out the quietest way of
taking getting you out, for a price.
Dear Codec Moments, I have just started seeing a girl that I REALLY like, the trouble is that her dog hates me and always barks at me and tries to bite me. I’m worried that she’ll start to think ‘it’s him or the dog’ and I know who’ll win… have you got any tips of how I can deal with this?
I once paid a visit to someone in witness protection that had a mean dog; there were a number of decent ways I thought of to pacify the pooch. The most simple is the old poisoned sausage technique, but I prefer to find a vantage point nearby and deal with the problem through the lens of a scope. If you think killing the dog might hurt your chances with the girl, or you don’t have easy access to a WA2000 bolt-action sniper rifle with lightweight frame and advanced suppressor, then tranquiliser darts and an air rifle will suffice.
Dear Agent 47, where did you get that awesome tattoo?
One drunken night in Wisconsin I intended to get a tattoo and then go to Walmart for something to eat, it appears I did those in the wrong order. I jest of course, but people that ask personal questions should be careful Claire, very careful.
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